Well, in all fairness, I did go to Melbourne for ten days and it helped me a lot. I do want to move there. I’m still incredibly depressed since my last entry, and can’t seem to get over the termination and the fact I can’t talk about it really. Like it never happened… But in all truth, I’m still in love with T, despite all we’ve been through and all the reasons why we must both be crazy to stay together. But I’m just not ready to let go. Call me crazy. (maybe I am!)
And speaking of crazy, I’m still struggling to come to terms with the really massive cultural gaps – something as simple as… facebook!
Its true that I like to write, it is a way for me to express myself and reach out to others when I’m not feeling my best. It’s a way to find people who may be in similar situations and learn how they have perhaps dealt with it. Make new friends, learn new things… fantastic. But at the same time, I also think it can be and should be a case where all parties in a relationship or otherwise should be entitled to some level of autonomy and not have to feel like they have to disclose every tiny little tidbit of writing, contact, communication. Aren’t we allowed to have some level of privacy, something that is uniquely our own, as it allows us to be ourselves as individuals while still being part of a couple? Why does this reluctance to open one’s email or facebook page immediately mean infidelity or hiding something bad?
It reminds me a little bit of an article I read recently, where some girl was murdered by her jealous boyfriend because she changed her facebook status or something innocent like that. Since when have social sites become the be all and end all of identifying a person and their relationship qualities?
This issue came up in a rather big explosion last night, when I didn’t want to log in to my facebook account. This was largely because I had some sensitive writing (blog references etc) and felt T would be a bit sad if he read it. I was protecting him. It had nothing to do with me talking to other men or whatever. It kills me that he gives the impression that as soon as we are not in the same room together that somehow I’m some wonton goddess who is going out with the next hottest Indian guy down the street and getting jiggy. Why not just stab me in the heart and get it over with, already!?
He then got upset with me, because, I confess one day he had accidentally left his email open a few weeks ago. I know it was wrong for me to look, but his own behaviour had been erratic – standing me up on nights we had planned to go out, not answering my messages, calls, coming home at 1am with long winded bizarre stories – which turned out really to be a meeting between him and a woman who his parents had set up as a potential matrimonial match. Ouch.
I confronted him about this, and of course he was livid I accessed his email. But it sure did hurt when I found so many emails to women about matrimony when we were supposed to be a couple. He of course had an explanation for it all. But my bottom line question remained the same to him – if he was, as he argued, just meeting these women because his parents sent them and it’d be an insult NOT to meet them – an insult to the girl, his family, her family…. (umm, what about insult to me?) why does he continue to keep our relationship a secret, even after so long? Why can’t he just bring it out now and stop these secret meetings with potential brides? When does it end? And who is it benefiting by going through these motions of meeting them to keep families happy? Honestly?
So of course, once I said I didn’t want him to see my facebook (including my emails etc) he got very upset, laughed at me, said that I was a total hypocrite and that he felt better in his heart knowing what a liar and cheater I was… and that I had no right to judge him when I saw his email but I wouldn’t allow him to see my facebook. When I allowed him to see my email inbox not long after I saw his email as fairness, he simply replied that was not my ‘real’ email (it was) and that I surely have set up others and I was just showing him what I was letting him see.
What is the deal here? Where is the trust? How do we get it back? Do we ever? Or is it, once its gone, its gone forever?
I could sort of understand behaviour like this, say, between teenagers who are just navigating their way through their first relationships. But come on, we’re both in our thirties. We both have a divorce behind us, certainly we are more mature than fighting over facebook profiles. Aren’t we?
But I still can’t help feeling like… I just want to feel normal. Why can’t we just make friends with other people, go out as couples for picnics, dinners, walks, visits at each other’s houses… have a family, BE a family… I hate feeling like whenever his parents call I have to hide myself, be super quiet, cease to exist. He refuses to introduce me to anyone he works with, studies with, is friends with. It makes me feel like I’m a total loser he’s ashamed of. He of course explains it’s not like that, it’s not the reason… that the biggest reason is because he doesn’t want his family to find out (because somehow everyone seems to have a hotline to his parents back in India! lol) about us (another topic that is really eroding my soul) and that these ‘friends’ of his would be judgemental. Which makes me feel like – if that’s true, then why are they your friends? Can’t we make better friends, together?
For me, I feel like if someone loves you…. REALLY loves you, they could move mountains for you. Not hide you under the blankets because its convenient for them. Ouch.
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